Family Guy: Quagmire's 5 Funniest Quotes (& Joe's 5 Funniest)
For the most part, as the title would suggest, Family Guy is a show about a family. But the writers have incorporated all kinds of humor into the show. There are sci-fi elements in Brian and Stewie’s time-traveling adventures, surreal humor in a lot of the show’s signature cutaway gags, and buddy comedy in Peter’s adventures with the guys.
While fellow supporting character Cleveland took a brief sabbatical from the group to star in his own ill-fated spin-off (which is a lot better than it’s given credit for), sexual deviant Glenn Quagmire and Joe Swanson, a cop with a disability, have always been at Peter’s side.
10 Quagmire: “Peter, What’d I Say About You Volunteering Me For S***?”
In “Joe’s Revenge,” Joe is obsessed with tracking down the man whose gunshot put him in a wheelchair. He’s finally arrested, but then he’s later let out of jail and Joe decides to chase him down before he can leave the country.
Peter volunteers both himself and Quagmire to help out and, through gritted teeth, Quagmire says, “Peter, what’d I say about you volunteering me for sh*t?”
9 Joe: “Pretend I’m Your Child, Lois... Not Meg! Not Meg!”
When Lois develops a shoplifting habit and lands in prison, the family springs her from the joint and they all hide out in Quahog’s Asiantown. Joe tracks them down and chases them into the sewage system.
Joe’s helicopter crashes and he’s left hanging from a great height. Lois tries to pull him up and he says, “Pretend I’m your child, Lois.” He starts to slip and quickly adds, “Not Meg! Not Meg!”
8 Quagmire: “What A Surprise, The Mugger’s Never Heard Of Truman Capote.”
In a cutaway gag demonstrating the rising crime rate in Quahog, Quagmire is robbed at gunpoint. He hands his wallet over to the mugger, who comments on the fact that it’s white.
Quagmire says Truman Capote had a white wallet and the mugger is clueless. Quagmire cracks, “What a surprise, the mugger’s never heard of Truman Capote.” As the mugger leaves, Quagmire tells him, “There’s a library card in there – use it!”
7 Joe: “You’re Getting SLACKS!”
When Lois is killed, or so it seems, Peter doesn’t have the heart to tell Chris as he won’t be able to handle the heartbreak, so he dresses up Joe in a wig to take Chris back-to-school shopping.
Joe as Lois says, “So, sweetie, you ready to go get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?” Chris says, “I want blue jeans,” and Joe screams, “You’re getting SLACKS!”
6 Quagmire: “Let’s Just Say I Walked In On John Travolta With Not Kelly Preston.”
Quagmire manages to score a private jet to give the guys a ride to Canada and when they ask him how he got it, he tells them, “Let’s just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston.”
Eventually, Peter downs the plane in the middle of the woods when he goes out onto the wing to prank Joe while it’s in mid-air.
5 Joe: “Be Careful Around The Really Fat One. He’s Kind Of Like My Boss.”
After Peter is given a medal for accidentally saving a boy, Joe decides that life isn’t worth living and takes the guys on a road trip to Niagara Falls without telling them about his true intention to take his own life.
Trying to live life to the full in his final days, Joe brings some teenagers back to the guys’ hotel room to drink and as they sneak past sleeping Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire, Joe tells the kids, “Be careful around the really fat one. He’s kind of like my boss.”
4 Quagmire: “What The Hell! You‘re Not The Same Giraffe From Last Night!”
One of Peter’s many hairbrained schemes involves buying a giraffe from the zoo. It pokes its head in Quagmire’s bedroom window and he can be heard enjoying whatever it’s doing.
Quagmire says, “Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What...? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell! You’re not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!”
3 Joe: “Is Lady Gaga A Douche?”
When Meg is helping out Joe in Bonnie’s absence, he gives her a ride to school and struggles to make small-talk and connect with her. He says, “Hey, can you tell me what that Lady Gaga is? Is that a band, or a soda, or a store, or one of those terms like ‘donkey punch’?”
Meg says, “No,” and Joe keeps guessing: “Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche?” “I don’t think so.” “Well, whatever it is, I like it.”
2 Quagmire: “Giggity Giggity Goo!”
It’s a no-brainer that “Giggity giggity goo!” is Quagmire’s most memorable quote. From the beginning of the series, it’s been his catchphrase. In the earlier seasons, it’s one of the only things he says.
As a made-up word to imply sexuality without explicitly depicting it, “Giggity” is in the same league as Wayne’s World’s “Schwing!”
1 Joe: “Dammit, Bonnie, You Lied To Me About The Poop Sack!”
When James Woods tries to steal Peter’s identity and claims that the clothes he’s wearing belong to him, Joe orders Peter to take them off: “You heard him, fella, take ‘em off. Right down to the poop sack.”
Peter and James Woods are both baffled by this and Joe says, “What? You don’t all wear a poop sack?” Then, he gets angry and yells over to his house, “Damnit, Bonnie, you lied to me about the poop sack!”
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